11/6/17

In by JakobLeave a Comment

Transition has been…. weird. Mostly good, but a lot of weird.

Part of what came from beginning to present and be read as a man has been extra confidence- caring what what people think of me, feeling more comfortable speaking up, but there;s a lot of other baggage about not being allowed to take up space. Some of it is holdover gendered stuff, a lot of it has more to do with, like, just my own shit that I would probably have either way. So a lot of my recovery, on a mental health standpoint, is about that. People want me here, I’m not infringing on anyone’s space, I’m not inconveniencing anyone just by existing and advocating for my needs, etc.

But also, I am reminded frequently that people don’t, can’t, and don’t NEED to know my, like, whole situation every time they interact with me or are adjacent to me while I am interacting with some else. I am trying very hard to be a good person, and that means being aware that for anyone who does not know me, it may just look like another white dude taking up more space than he needs to because he feels entitled to it, and I don’t want to be that guy.

Idk, I may be overthinking it, but this kind of thing can turn into a kind of rabbit-hole. Am I using wariness of others’ space to continue to silence myself? or am I using my new self-worth as a reason for talking over others? or am I doing neither of these things, and getting worked up over nothing? It feels like a fine line to walk, but I am glad that I get to walk it.

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